Put the barrel in his mouth
| Vulnerability and tearing down these walls | |||
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So wow, a lot has happened since last I posted here... Not that all that many people read here, which is how I like it, the less people who know about this place, the less uncomfortable I get about posting here. Anyway, I left Jesse, for multiple reasons that I am not bringing up anymore. It's better off to just put that in the past, and only use it as a reminder as to why not to go back to him again. I also got back with Steve, we've been together for 8 months as of today, and it's been alright for the most part, certainly the best relationship I've been in, dispite the fact that I'm still not quite comfortable in the means of trusting anyone, and I've cut out a lot of people from my life for this reason as well. But as of late, I've stopped worrying about things, and ripped down the walls that I kept between us and put a lot of faith and trust into him. I just hope that it wasn't misplaced. Time will tell, I suppose. And as of late, I don't know how crushed I'd be if things did turn south... probably a lot more then I let myself believe, but at the same time... iono. I guess that after him, if things don't work, I just won't care about shit anymore. >.> Honestly, I thought about it on the way home because for just a brief second I thought about the fact that if he did leave me, there are a good handful of guys that have been trying to get with me that are at least of decent personality... though none of them I could really trust like I trust him... but really, I don't see me dating anyone after... What I do see... ehhh it isn't exactly a good road, I'd do all the things that weren't allowed to me while in relationships, either by personal restrictions, or their restrictions... I won't kill myself, if anyone is thinking that is what I am getting at. However... there are a lot of things that I've wanted to try that I never did because of their illegality, or just because of how bad they are for a person. But if all my worries or cares were gone, I'd prolly have a lot of experiences... for good and for bad. Personally though, I hope I never need find out how things are if this relationships takes a downward spiral, I honestly don't see that happening because this is the man I love, and I know that he loves me, despite the issues that I have with some things, I'm sure we'll make it through together, that we'll be stronger for facing our challenges. He waited for two years for me, and in my heart, I yearned 2 years for him. So... I hope he knows just what he means to me. | |||
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| Been FOREVER since I've written here. | |||
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I'm glad I have friends like Gene. Very glad indeed. Since now I have burning crusades (free) and also I can play world of warcraft for free on a private server he gave me the link to. Right now I'm in the middle of the install for TBC while I wait patiently to play again. I also have internet back, and it isn't going away since it's actually our internet, rather than me using the nearest unencrypt wifi network. I love me some interwebs. New drawings and stuff @ http://shadowfoot.deviantart.com My hair is growing out so I think it might be time to cut it again. I just hovered my mouse over the time, I'm so behind on the date that I actually said "Oh damn, it's friday?" seeing as I still thought it was thursday, or maybe Tuesday, or one of those days. Friday is great though, Jesse gets to actually stay up with me, after he takes his nap, and he gets paid today. Granted this whole paycheck goes to rent and paying off out new bigscreen and surround sound system. We'll have... -10$ after that. Meh, He'll likely give jon $250 this week, so we have enough for a few more groceries for next week. Jameson (our landlord) usually doesn't come until the first week of the next month. Though, it is holloween coming up. He might need his beer money early. Gotta love having a 23 year old landlord xD. Another thing. Tyler should be over this weekend to introduce his character into the campaign which should be fun. We actually have a good DM this time (no offense Matt, you kind of made everything WAY too easy) so it's been great, and we couldn't play last Sunday cause Mike was out of town. I'm curious about this whole Tiamet worshipper cave/temple we're in right now. Until then, I'm back to reading the Dragonlance books. <3 Raistlin | |||
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| Sleepy Sleepy | |||
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[mood]  sleepyWell I finally have my computer back, so I'll be updating again. Hurray. Uhm...to let you all know a little about whats been going on in my life, here's a little update. (I'm too lazy to go into details) I was dumped by Justin (AGAIN) and this time probably staying broken up, I'm not complaining though, I actually am glad he did it this time, he was driving me batty and I'm not one to break up with people. Went to see Narnia with Scott the day after Justin dumped me, we had a good time. It was a good movie, and we cuddled for a bit. I love to cuddle. And kissed a little too, he tried to take it further and I just told him I'm not ready for that yet, won't be for awhile, and he respected that. Scotts awesome, he's been my friend since 7th grade, sometimes I wonder why I never considered dating him before? We aren't dating yet, I'm not ready for any relationships right away, but we're cuddle buddies =D and I wouldn't mind getting into a relationship with him later on when I'm more comfortable with relationships. Got the new Dane Cook CD, Retaliation. Good stuff, keeps me laughing. So does the pocky...well...the pocky makes me hyper. But yea... Well thats it for now, love to ya'll! | |||
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| Yay for early xmas gifts! | |||
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Sooo...yea, sorry I haven't been updating all that often. My computer is fucked at the moment, and I am updating from my sister's computer right now. I won't have net back for a few weeks, most likely, but it doesn't bother me too much anymore, I have new stuff to occupy my time ^^ Like my early christmas gift. A Tipmann 98 Custom. More paintballing for Moth now, which is good. Need the excercise, especially in the winter. Hmm...not too much bad actually going on in my life, save for an email from Jesse, my ex, talking about the time that he fucked around on me, and saying nothing really happened, just a lot of touching, no sex and blahblahblah. Really, I am pretty sure he's lying to save his ass. Thats how he is, afterall. Well, you guys likely won't hear from me too often anymore, until my comp is back up, but I'll try to comment and update as often as I can! | |||
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[mood]  depressedI will never be able to hold him To sing him lullabys To read him bedtime stories I will never be able to cradle him in my arms Embarass him with baby pictures Watch him take his first steps I will never see that look on his face When he gets his first car When he graduates These things will never be And they will haunt me For the rest of my life. Drew a picture yesterday, lovely portrait of someone that I will always love and remember, someone that no one but myself and one other know, someone who never truly exhisted. Perhaps its not healthy to dwell like this, to think of the "what ifs" and everything, but...it's something that I can't help. Every time I think about it though, I break down, break down crying because everything is going so wrong in my life right now. Adrian...My Grandfather...Justin...so much to worry about, and it's so hard not to think about all these things. I think maybe I shouldn't be sober for the next couple of days. I just really hate my life.... | |||
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| Back Again | |||
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[mood]  Depressed and Happy[music] Nocturne - My Bitch The kiss of your ivory flesh Though you have grown so cold to me, my dear. You were my art, and I purified you Of all your imperfections. You were so fun, the one that I enjoyed. My special dear, such a tribute will be made to you! Though no one but I will see you any longer. I've marked your grave for you Placed lovely in a grand spot just for you. I only hope, my dear, that you don't fear the dark. Though then again, it's only your body there And what is it to fear the dark, it cannot see. Your head, my dear, will light my way. Will give path to my glorious existance. Just one more dance, my dear, Before we hide your beautiful body Where it will never be touched again. Alright, so I figured I'd do my first update with one of my older poems. Lovely, isn't it? Anyhow, as for whats been going on...not too much really. Been around with Justin for the most part, trying to get over the fact that my grandfather is in the hospital, likely going to die soon, and I don't have the courage to even go say goodbye. Yes, I'm pathetic, a little wuss, oh well. I just can't bare to see him the way he is now, weak, fragile. It unnerves me, just like hospitals do. As of late, I've really gotten sick and tired of death. There are several reasons for that but I'm really not in the mood to go into what those reasons are or may be. Secrets, Secrets, Secrets. They burn into your very soul when you keep them to yourself. Hurts so bad when you want to tell, especially to someone who is involved but you just...can't. The devastation it would cause, the pain, the fighting and arguing...the tears. Lying hurts even worse...but it must be done for there sake. There are just some things that can't be shared...some things that no one should need know. Right now I'm really not sure what kind of mood I'm in. I'm depressed, but happy at the same time. It's an odd mix that somehow works out. The party was fun, yesterday, for the most part. I enjoyed my time at least, and I came back with a few marks too. Always fun. Happy 17th Birthday, my love, hope you had a good one. So, now that birthdays are out of the way, it's time to think about christmas (or candlemas (yule) to some) and what to get for people. It's always around this time of year that I really wish I wasn't unemployed. Money, afterall, would be quite useful. Birthdays are so much easier, a gift for one person, rather than gifts for several people at one time. Oh well, I figure out something, I always do. Well, this is farewell now, I've got stuff to do. Take care and happy hunting. | |||
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